Saturday, December 09, 2006

Here's a little something my husband sent off to the North Pole today that I thought you might enjoy:

Santa Claus
North Pole, AK 99705

RE: Notice of Legal Representation; Petition to Receive "Nice" Status; Gift Requests

Dear Mr. Claus:
This letter will serve as notice that Pookie and Fig, two minor sisters, have retained me to act as their counsel in a petition to be awarded the status of "nice" on the official behavior roster of Mr. Claus (commonly known as "Santa’s List") thereby ensuring their eligibility to receive desired Christmas presents.
Under the relevant Christmas code, the status of "nice" must be awarded to "children who have demonstrated, for at least 10 of the previous 12 months, kind, caring, and thoughtful behavior towards other children and their parents, legal guardians, or other adults responsible for their wellbeing." § 1815 CC 40. This section has long been regarded as "the benchmark of Christmas behavioral standards, the standard against which all children are measured." 34 Elf Reporter 22 (1917).
My clients’ concerns are that a number of "bad" actions carried out during the past year—for example, destroying their father’s palm pilot by dunking it in bathwater, pouring mugs of coffee on the floor, ripping pages out of books, and generally making a mess—might somehow cause them to be assigned the status of "naughty." Such an assignment, however, would work a great injustice, depriving two little girls of a happy Christmas morning and, quite possibly, damaging their young Christmas spirits.
Although the older girl, Pookie, has admittedly carried out bad activities during all of the last 12 months, her good behavior, if combined, would constitute approximately 11 of the past 12 months. In other words, she has been good "most of the time," and we think the "10 of the previous 12 months" standard identified by § 1815 should be interpreted as a ratio requirement—namely, that children must be good 10/12ths of the time, or 83.3% of each day.
Any other interpretation would reflect an unrealistic expectation of childhood goodness and impose on children an impossible, unachievable standard. For what child (indeed what adult) can act perfectly for even a month? As Pookie has been good approximately 90% of the time, we think § 1815 is satisfied and she should be entitled to her desired Christmas present: a wooden sled.
The younger girl, Fig, presents a different case. As a mere infant, Fig does not understand the difference between "good" and "bad." It would be unfair, clearly, to punish her for actions she has no control over—such as waking her parents up in the middle of the night. She pleads infancy, pure and simple, and requests inclusion on the "nice" list. For Christmas she would like a hat and mittens.
I trust, Mr. Claus, that you will agree with our analysis. Thank you for your attention, and for all you do for children the world over. Merry Christmas!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Brilliant! I wish I had such excellent representation when I was a child.